Suellen's Musings

I'd be hiding, but I'm too responsible

I'll bring the graham crackers, you bring the chocolate milk and let's go hide under the bed. No one will miss us really. 

I know I may sound like I need a couple of Margaritas and a good party here...but really, I'm just feeling a little invisible. This a common malady for me. In fact, if you took me to a good party and fed me Margaritas, I'd probably find a quiet corner in which to try to become invisible.

I don't think I am really alone in this...so I'm asking. Do you ever feel like you are the reliable responsible one in a group, and the only time anyone notices what you are doing is when you f**k up? So then you feel invisible. You know I really don't do most of what I do for the props, most of the time I don't even care...I do what I love for a living and have a good partner and some buddies in both Texas and RI. I love to run, despite my lack of speed. I do a lot of enjoyable things.  But sometimes there are moments when I just don't want to be so responsible that I am taken for granted any more. But I can't...

Isn't it funny how the lessons learned in childhood stick with us?  I mean I'm very much a midwestern girl...gumption, perseverance, sturdy and reliable. My father thought that if you weren't 10 minutes early for everything you were late. My father was angry with me once for doing some stupid kid thing (spilling the milk or something) and when I said something denying responsibility (like a kid) he told me sternly that "we are responsible for everything that happens to us." A lesson that stuck far more firmly than I am sure he ever intended, leaving me feeling responsible for some relatively serious things in my life that happened later...feeling like if I were just more responsible those bad things wouldn't have happened. You know that old saw "I'm very responsible, whenever anything goes wrong, I'm responsible"

 I can't seem to shake that message, so I feel I have to be really responsible to do better at holding off those bad things that can happen. And then you have to be invisible, because if you aren't it means you weren't being responsible (so someone noticed).  But maybe if you came with me and told me that it was OK to hide out for awhile and you brought the chocolate milk...maybe I could be invisible AND irresponsible..in a good way, just for a little while..and that might be good.

Suellen (no nickname) Adams

When I was a little kid, I had a nickname...and no I won't tell you what it was, I finally convinced my family to stop using it, so no one else gets to either, not even Glenda.

Many of the Austin Duathletes and P3 folks do have nicknames...like  Triscuit, Spammy, Cubbie, Amber, Honolulu, Wiley, Fitty (nee Rawhide), etc. Even my own beloved Glenda has earned the nickname "Slingshot" having to do with her biking ability. If you want to know more about hers, ask her.

My group in RI doesn't do this as much, but there are a few...Zak Attack, Nitro and TC being the most memorable at the moment.

There are lots of other folks both here and there who don't have nicknames, of course. And there are even a few with nicknames I could do without. But somehow living between places makes me feel a little like I don't fit in anywhere a lot of the time. Sometimes, of course I am able to fit in relatively well in either place...but not right now. And having a nickname might help, I dunno.

However, I also know enough to be careful what I ask for...so until the right nickname emerges naturally (and hopefully kindly), I'll settle for plain old Suellen.

Four and a half weeks to go

I was fortunate enough to spend most of my summer with Glenda this year. Not that I wasn't working, just it was stuff I could do from here.  I am coming to the end of the semester, and as usual I am swamped...but I am also dealing with the lack of time I have left here. I don't leave to go back until August 21...but I am going back there to take care of some stuff from July 20-25 (actually I won't be back here until the 28th, but she is joining me for part of the time).  

So suddenly I find myself thinking, that while I will not miss the heat in Texas, there are many things that are sadly winding down and that I will miss very much

--only 5 more P3 Tuesday runs and Happy Hours

--only 4 more Thursday morning (god-awful early) P3 runs

--only 3 more Saturday morning runs with P3 (because of various travel)

--Only one more AD pub run

--One or two more Duathlons to cheer Glenda in

--Having someone to eat meals with

--Having someone to talk to about just whatever on a regular basis

--Lots of other such things...but you get the picture (and we won't be together again until late September)

And then it's back to Rhode Island...

--with my best friend there having moved to Michigan (I'll see her in July...but she'll be moved by August)

--my boss, who is perhaps my favorite colleague, on sabbatical

--where I am teaching an overload and driving to Massachusetts and New Hampshire to teach several times during the semester

But there is good stuff that makes going back worth it too

--The face-to-face interaction with my students and colleagues

--The people from the Narragansett Running Association (go NRA!)

--The Atlantic Ocean

--The best seafood in the known universe

There is just such an incredible adjustment period every time.  For the most part, despite some setbacks and sadness, I pretty much like my life both places.  It's just that adjustment every time that makes me nuts! Re-entry sucks!

Too much sun

There are days in the New England winter when the sun comes up after 7 and goes down well before 5, when I think there will never be ENOUGH sun...much less too much sun.  Even those bright, sunny (if cold) days just don't last long enough.

But I am here to tell you there IS such a thing as too much sun! I can get a wicked sunburn without too much trouble, though I have mostly avoided that this year. But I have had many, many days in the month or six weeks I have been in Texas, when I have reclined on the couch, or sprawled on the bed feeling exhausted because I have literally had TOO MUCH sun. I can't describe exactly what "too much sun" feels like in the absence of sunburn...but if you've ever had it, you know.

I wish I could develop personal solar panels to store sun (sans so much heat if possible), so that I can balance my "sun distribution."

A report without a race

I went to the Howdy Du this morning, the second duathlon in the Central Texas Duathlon Series. I did not run in the race. I went to cheer Glenda (and Shorey and others) and to help at the Austin Duathletes booth. 

 

As many or most of you know coach Phil (Panther) Carmical and wife Audrey added baby “Dash” to their family late last winter. Panther was at the race today too to cheer and work the booth and generally have a good time.  Dash came along to cheer too.

 

And so he did.  Dash is a sweet little guy and just at that age where he smiles a lot and squeals and babbles.  I volunteered to help keep an eye on him.  He was in his stroller at one point while I was keeping an eye on him and started to fuss. I tried feeding him, but he had no interest. Like most males I know he just wanted a little attention. So I picked him up. Panther came rushing over to see if there was a problem, but I assured him we were fine.

 

We watched the runners go by, I cheered, Dash squealed. We “danced” to the music on the loudspeakers. We walked around, Dash checked out the view…got fascinated with shiny things…all those things that babies do. Finally, I noticed that he was yawning, I rubbed his back and we walked around some more. Soon there was a little head on my shoulder and I was pretty sure he was out. I didn’t want to disturb him, so I had someone else check to make sure he was asleep. When I was sure, I walked across the tent to Panther, who got the stroller and between us we got Dash snuggled in for a nice long nap.

 

Glenda will send her own report about this race, but in any event at one point Panther announced,  how well Glenda had done and then added. “…and Suellen got the baby to sleep.” A cheer that was soon shushed so the baby could stay asleep went up among the assembled. I don’t know what the award is for having the ability to cuddle a baby to sleep (learned primarily by experience gained becoming first a mother and then a “Mimi”), but in many ways it is a reward in itself. Thanks Panther!

I'm #1

No, of course I didn’t win the race.  I could have though, if I could have convinced everyone else to run backward J. #1 was my bib number and I earned by being the very first one to pick up my race packet.

 

As often happens, maybe the most meaningful bit of this race happened while we were hanging around before we started. Glenda, who was there to cheer for me and not run today, had run into someone she knew from a previous training group.  While we were chatting, a woman walked up. She was someone he knew and he introduced us.  Although much taller, she was built very much as I was when I started all this running stuff. 

 

We all began to talk about races and people we knew, etc.  The man said, “I’m running Monday, Wednesday and Saturday with my group…” The woman piped up, “I’m mostly walking Monday, Wednesday and Saturday with the same group.” I assured her that I knew what she meant as Glenda and I were currently training with the same group, and that I sometimes jokingly refer to it as my “chasing group” instead of my training group, but that I loved it and have made progress all the same.

 

We chatted a bit more, but came back around to starting older (she is a newbie in her 40’s as I was), etc. and she said “well, I suppose being this slow is what I get for doing nothing but sitting down for 20 years,” I nodded and smiled, knowing exactly what she meant…and when the person who’d introduced us turned to her and said, “but you got up…that’s what’s important,” he could have been talking to me.

 

You see, I was doing this race as a confidence builder.  Since I went from the relative cool of Rhode Island to the unusually strong Texas heat (the hottest June ever recorded), my running sort of fell apart in a lot of ways. It is hard to explain, but I just needed to know I could still run in a race…since any kind of decent pace in a training run has escaped me so far this summer. I never expect to win a race…but today finishing feeling reasonably good would be a win. With that as a standard…I won! 

 

That last thing Glenda always says to me before a race is, “remember don’t go out too fast.” I always nod solemnly and have good intentions…and then, well I have a short memory. My first mile was 12:10.  Not the fastest I’ve ever run…but better than I’ve been doing this summer by far.

 

Mile 2, still feeling relatively strong, I did stop for a few seconds at the water stop to douse myself and get a drink.  After that there were volunteers at the halfway point, which was really nice.  And just down the road from them was Glenda cheering for all she was worth.  I’m not sure how she got to that point, other than she is bloody fast and probably took some short cut. She told me I was looking strong, but as I have commented before I could be crying on the curb and she’d tell me I looked strong. Still it helped. Second mile 13:11.

 

I had gotten to the third mile and was beginning to feel as if it might kill me…then I got worried that it wouldn’t J But every race has that moment in which you wonder why the heck you are out here doing this anyway, so I knew with a little hard work and perseverance with maybe a modicum of grim determination of the soul thrown in I would finish…and probably even have a smile on my face.

 

And so I did, finishing the last full mile in 13:42. And with that last fraction an overall 40:26, that’s an average of 13:09 minutes per mile, for those of you keeping score at home. J

Movin' on over to the east side

So, since Rouge equipment is east of I-35 and that is where we start our Panther Project runs. This morning we did the East Side Ramble...choice of 7 or 10 miles. Glenda did 10, I did 7.

But as usual of course, the next slowest person is out of my sight within a mile or so. I call it my Saturday morning chase...just like I my runs with the Narragansett Runners included the Thursday night chase. So of course this incident occurred without any witnesses. I swear however to the "truthiness" of the story I am about to tell.

I had lost sight of everyone, but was jogging along reasonably well.  I saw a lady parked ahead and she was looking at a newspaper or a map. As I got closer, this nice looking woman got out of the car and said "excuse me"...so I stopped my Garmin, stopped and was ready to open my mouth to tell her that I couldn't give her direction because I didn't know the area well. But instead she said to me, "I saw you running. Are you looking for the police station?  It's that way."  I assured her that, no I was just out for a run.  Her response, "OK, well, good luck with that...." like she totally didn't really believe me...

Good times.

Endless

Endless is a lot shorter than it used to be, have you noticed? In this day of the ability of near-instant response, an hour is nearly forever and a day is an eternity. I have 3 things that I hate: 

E-mails that need to be answered RIGHT NOW 

Not having MY e-mails answered RIGHT NOW (so I'm a hypocrite, so sue me)

 Waiting for a phone call, doesn't matter if it is land line or cell.

The first makes me feel as though I can't think about a response, so sometimes I just answer with whatever. But mostly I tend to answer with carefully crafted e-mails that hopefully allow for a clear message...and sometimes give too much information. And they are not quick to write. 

The second makes me feel like the non-responder "hates" me or is deliberately ignoring me, even though I know very well that he or she may not be as anal retentive as I am about checking and usually responding fairly quickly to e-mail...mine literally auto-checks once a minute all day long. This means that I can have it run in the background and know if someone is trying to reach me...without getting 47 mails all at once.

 And I hate waiting for phone calls. A land line call will tie you to the house and I always worry that an important cell call will find me out of range or breaking up.

 I wonder how long endless was when we only had letters...

Things that give you a boost

This morning, I was running on the H&B, and struggling, I mean, walking probably more than half the time, dying from the heat even though it was very early. Anyway, a couple of older women out walking a dog stopped me (while I was on a walk break) and told me that they had been admiring my strong calf muscles when I was running! 

OK, so I didn't start this to look better, that has just been a side benefit.  I did it to feel better and lately I've felt more than a little crappy sometimes for one reason or another, but that was an ego boost that is hard to measure.  I mean the workout was still freakin' hard...but it improved my attitude :-)

And as for other boosts...I did get 3rd place in my age group at the Dad's Day Du...and I've got the hardware (glassware?) to prove it.  I smoked all those women who stayed snuggled in their beds in their nice air conditioning!

Good for me! ;-)

A Problem or an opportunity?

"For you there are unlikely to be too many problems. Of all the signs, yours describes someone who can turn a problem into an opportunity. Failure is unlikely to disturb you too much as you have a knack of being able to rebound from adversity."

I took one of those silly internet tests (I'm a Sky Fire Sign...in Case you are interest) and in the explanation of the results were the words above (along with much more).

At first I said, yea, whatever...but then I thought about it again.  I'm not a big fan of the terms like "reframing" or "forming a new paradigm" because what I do is not as easy as that sounds (and before you yell at me I know those aren't easy...). It comes with hard, hard work...but even with some fairly crushing adversities in my life, I've been a survivor.  I've made something good out of it..even if the good is just getting to tomorrow to try again.